I feel like Im slipping and that I have no control of my life and my kids for that matter.  Why cant I be different.  I want control.  I want to take action.  I want to be responsible.  I want a life.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??????
All I wanna do is sleep, im letting things slide that normally would never slide.  I feel out of touch with reality.  Im feeling very lonely and I just want happiness.  But how do you find it?
I NEED HELP
MY SON NEEDS HELP

WHY IS GETTING HELP SO HARD WHEN YOU WANT IT SO BAD????????

My son was supposed to go to rogers hospital.  Everything was supposed to be done and all of a sudden the insurance denied him.  This is major Bull Shit.  He was just in the hospital for having palpatations.  Which the dr thought was from his medicine.  Im not going to have him go in for a few days.  Its not going to help him.  He needs his meds regulated and to find out what the heck is wrong.....

Sometimes I just want to give up and others I want to do anything I can.  I need the energy to do what I need to do.  Hopefully I can work on stuff tomorrow..... Anyway had to vent..   THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think about it all the time and I try to understand what I did to deserve this.  My oldest is driving me insane and sometimes I feel that I just cant deal.  How do I become the mom that I want to be?  How can I handle situations that are handed to me?  Why can I not seem to get the help that I want and need?  Why does no one understand me?  Why do I feel overwhelmed all the time?  Why cant I just be a happy person?  Why cant I have the energy to do the things I want to or for that matter need to do?  Why could I never hold down a job and be responsible?  Why didnt I get help when I was young?  Why doesn't my family understand?  
 
I feel so lost and helpless.  I just want to live a life that I feel like I accomplished something.  I dont want my kids to grow up and think Im a loser.  I dont want to feel like a loser either.  I dont want to be on social security.  I want to work and find something I am good at...  WAIT......   What am I good at?  What do I even like anymore?  I used to be such a social person and go out and have fun and actually have hobbies.  Now I stay at home, dont go out and just mope around and be depressed and feel sorry for myself.  I want to do more with my kids.  I try but I can never stay consistant.  WHAT THE HELL IS CONSISTANCY AND HOW THE HELL CAN I DO IT.....???????????  Who knows.  What is wrong with me?  Is is Depression?  Is is Bipolar?  Is it ADHD? Is it all of these things?  I have no clue.  But if I got some help maybe I would find out.  I dont even have to be inpaitent.  Just some fucking help....
It just seems to me that everytime I have been in the hospital and everytime I have seen a counselor or psychiatrist... I still cannot get help to get better.  Med after Med and Plan after Plan..  Setback after setback.  Why????